Sunday, June 27, 2010

Back to blogging after so long. Sigh. School is starting tomorrow. I don't think I can take the pressure school has to offer. I mean, school teaches irrelevant subjects that I won't even take in sec3. Can't I just have those periods swapped to something I'll actually enjoy learning? Damn it man. I hate school. I want to study but not the way school has to offer it.

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
8:55 PM

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Wow. When will this ever stop? You always promise me you'll tell me something but someone comes along and promises you not to tell others. Shouldn't I know? I mean after all, I've been so close to you for so long and yet you just forgot the promise? Are you trying to tell me I'm no longer important to you anymore?! What is it man! I'm getting hurt more and more by you every day just because I'm tactful. I can't go on like this man...ARGH! I still cannot believe I was freaking used by you during the whole darn camp. I sacrificed my time at Starbucks and at the mosque so you can find him?! Are you trying to kill me?! I can't believe it man! You used me and I didn't even know! What in the freaking hell is going on! So he smiles and says thanks when I deliver your message. I thought it was genuine thanks. Pfft! That's bs! He was just smiling because the person he loves sent him a message! Wow. For once can you start treating me like a brother and not a bloody damn plaster already?! I delivered you message because I thought you cared for him. Yeah, I am stupid and naive to be deceived by you all the time. Maybe I should just tell you this. Let you feel my anguish and pain and hurt you have caused. I try to be a good brother and all I get is to be cheated and lied to over and over again. I don't know how my heart has managed to take in all this but I know that it's gonna break soon and break really, really badly.

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
11:22 PM

Screw this already! If you want a boyfriend this badly then go! Go and get him. All I'm trying to do is to protect you but if you want to suffer another heartbreak and cause everyone around you more pain then be that selfish person. I am already going out of my way to make sure that you're safe. If you don't want to listen to me then fine. Go date for all I freaking care! Yeahh, as if you're going to treat me as your brother when you're seeing him. He will constantly be on your mind and what will I be to you? NOTHING MORE THAN A BIGGER PLASTER! I don't know how I'm gonna survive through Saturday and sunday. Maybe I won't then I just freaking die so I won't be a pest in your life anymore. No one ever understands me. I don't know who else to turn to anymore. I'm always being used or hurt by you. And you don't give a damn shit about how I feel. You think it's easy being in my position? Gosh. Just do whatever you want. Don't come looking for me if you have a breakup.

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
9:06 AM

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Every night ends with sorrow and hurt. I am not free from it for a single night. There's always something that screws up my nights. My sleep is horrid. I can't sleep in peace. Bad dreams, constantly waking up, these just keep happening. I can't sleep, nor can I find the strength to press on anymore. God, help me. Don't forsake me now when every thing is so screwed up. Give me the strength to carry on living. I can't walk like this every day. I just don't have the strength or feel Your love anymore. I feel empty, lonely like a forsaken mindless being wandering the face of the earth. HELP ME GOD...

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
7:31 PM

Monday, June 21, 2010

To my dearest sister,

I know you're never going to read this but I want you to know that when you enter a relationship with another guy, everyone's lives will change. His parents' lives will change. Your parents' lives will change. Your sister's and his sister's' life will change. My life will change. When you get into a relationship, lives are changed simultaneously whether you like it or not.

As your brother, I want you to know that I love you and care for you. I want to guide you through this so you'll have a great husband and a blissful marriage together. That's all I ask for: to see you happy. If I have to give up an arm or a leg so you can be with the one you love, I'll do that. I'm gonna be here for you whenever you need me.

I don't care about the times you have neglected me when I needed help the most. I dont care about the times you made me pissed or sad or hurt. I can throw those aside now. I just need you safe from the harmful effects of relationships.

I'm gonna miss being your brother cause once you've gotten married, I will no longer be significant to you. I know its gonna hurt me loads but I'll just wait for a wife.

So once again, my little sister, I'm gonna have a sleepless night. Hopefully it'll be meaningful this time.

On the closing note, I'm going to keep you in prayer and I pray God will show you the right path to take. Be strong. I'll always be here for you and I'll never leave you behind.

Love,
Your brother 

Labels: June 2010

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10:00 PM

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Every night ends in a disaster. Why does it have to be this way?

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
9:39 PM

Sometimes I really wonder why I care for you so much. One moment I'm pissed at you but when you come over to talk to me, I just feel that I shouldn't be pissed. Maybe it's that simple prayer I prayed. I don't know.

When you need me, I'm always there. Ready to sacrifice my time (and security) just to make sure that you're okay. I don't know if that's the smart or stupid thing to do.

I really do care for you like a sister. You mean alot to me but sometimes, I just want to talk to you alone. I hope that isn't an unreasonable request. Man, with a headache, I can't believe that I'm actually still fighting on to wait and ensure you're okay. I don't know how I manage to do this but I'm still pushing myself to stay alert for your text. Sometimes I do wonder why you are my godsister. It's really strange don't you think? If I remember correctly, we're godsiblings after say a month of talking? I don't even know how it turns out like this.

Hmmm. Sometimes I just wish that you would treat me more like a brother because you leave me just like that and I don't know what to make out of it. It's only when I decided to go to you to make sure you're okay that you don't walk away anymore.

Gosh. I'm starting to feel hurt again.    

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
4:26 PM

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Okay. Now I know you lied. You could text after all. Just not to me. I know. I'm not a spy for nothing. Remember that.

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
5:33 PM

Yeah. As if you treat me like a sibling. Total bs cause when he's around, I'm nothing to you. I'm just another guy in your life. No significance whatsoever. You don't realize it but I have already told you that you don't treat me like a brother. All I am to you is a plaster. Yeah. Only find me when you need help with something. Otherwise I'm nothing to you. I'm not important to you, I know. You said you couldn't text but guess what? You used your phone for him. Doesn't that tell you something important? Perhaps you'll never know it. I feel like giving up on you. You just hurt me every single time yet you never realise it. 

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
2:22 PM

Thursday, June 17, 2010

A broken heart lies in pieces. It finds itself in a mess. There's no way it can be mended. What am I supposed to do? You tore my heart and I'm supposed to live with it. I'm tired already. If your sister or other close guy friend asks me why I'm not okay on Saturday, I'm not gonna reply. I probably would on normal circumstances but not this time. This time it's my limits. You pushed too far already. I'm hurting. Yeah I'm crying typing this but do you care? Obviously not because that guy is your passion. I'm just your pet. Who knew it would turn out like this. How am I supposed to sleep with the hurt you've caused? How am I supposed to let go? Things have changed within 2 years. I know I have. People don't understand me. No one does because I think differently. I have a completely different view on love and relationships as compared to other people. 

Gift or a curse? You decide. 

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
11:15 PM

WOW. So now I know. Now I see. You had to lie to me all along didn't you. WHAT THE FREAKING HELL! It's freaking painful, you know. I'm gonna emo and you can't stop me. It's the end of the road. YOU made this happen. YOU! You think this is all a game, don't you?

Freak your idea that no one appreciates you. No one appreciates me and no one cares how I feel. I'm a damn plaster for you. You find me when you need help then ditch me when you're okay. I thought I had been doing the right thing. Turns out it isn't true. I've been lied, tricked, duped, etc. And all you do is sit on your ass and do nothing.

Took my heart, tore it apart. Threw it along the sidewalk and walked away.

If life is like that because of what he did to you, then I should die.

You've changed alot since I first met you.

Now I don't know what you've become.

I make many sacrifices for you.

You do nothing about it.

I'm gonna cry.

Leave me.

Go.

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
2:47 PM

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

GAH. My mind is killing me. :( It's a torture to live through a day without thinking alot. Why can't I just be able to relax and not think about it. WHY? It's so bad I wanna die. I just can't go on thinking about this...I would like to just be free but I can't. I feel that there's something about this that I have to learn..but what?! Gosh. I thinking I'm going mad. Deranged and hallucinating. Why can't this moment be easier.

To you: My mind is stressing up. If there's any way which you can help me, please do it fast. I need you to tell me the truth. Every day is a torture. I can't take it anymore.

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
7:22 PM

Monday, June 14, 2010

Scribbling again... I don't know what I should do. The whole darn world feels so weird. I feel like hidingin a corner, crying it al out. I mean, the situation is so die but yet I feel helpless. My body doesn't know what to do and it refuses to find a way out. What the hell is wrong with me? I should get this through. I NEED TO.

I'm always thinking of what to do. Maybe it isn't right to think. Maybe I should just rely on trust. Why does it seem so weird now? It was okay last time but why now? It's killing me more and more as the days go by.

It's one of the greatest mysteries and problem I can't solve. It has four letters. I think we all know it. It's love. Even I can only help people to a certain extent but when it comes to me, I feel helpless. I don't know how to trouble-shoot the errors and it's just so tough making the right decisions. If any one bothers to read this, remember this: Love is only for those that are truely committed. Otherwise, the relationship will only end up in a disaster.

I can help everyone who bothers to drop me an email. I am kinda experienced in love issues but ya, as I've said, I can't help myself. So if any one actually READ this, good for you. You know you can find me and I never reveal any details about your problems unless I've asked you.

Sigh. I'm feeling so shack now. My mind is tired of analysing things but I just can't help it. Signing off here. Feeling shack. Darn head is kiling me. I think I might blog again tomorrow.

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
5:00 PM

I don't know what to do. I feel so stuck. Why out of all people it has to be you? I just feel so scared. I don't know if God really mean that we should be together. I don't feel secure. If we really are meant to be together shouldn't we feel secure in God? I know it's against all odds we'll be together so I think it's true that we won't be together. I mean, after all, we can't like each other more than friends. It just wouldn't make sense.

I don't know how to control my emotions anymore. After helping dozens of people, I can't help myself now. I don't feel that my future is secure. It seems so vague. Could it be because I'm thinking too far ahead into the future? I don't know. God, help me know what to do. Teach me what to do. I want to know Your will for me.

Labels: June 2010

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1:14 PM

Friday, June 11, 2010

ARGH. Like seriously, every time I have to compromise for you. I mean, don't you understand that I get hurt so much whenever I compromise and you just nonchalantly tell me you can't compromise? That's just screwed man. Like seriously. I finally had the strength to forgive you yesterday and now you just made me feel hurt all over again. I'm getting very tired already. Why can't you just understand? That's all I want. I don't need you to do great and wonderful things. I just want to be understood. Is it that difficult for people to understand who I am for what I am? I don't know anymore. I feel like giving up. I don't have the strength left in me to keep going.

Carpe diem is hard to achieve. I want it to happen but it's so impossible. I've set those 3 dreams down. Now it's time to work towards it with strength that I do not possess.

The signs were there. I read them but I didn't see the importance in them. How foolish was I not to think about them. Now I got to compromise again. Just think about the number of times I have to compromise. It's starting to eat into me. My life is getting screwed. I'm getting drained. I don't know what to pray about. You probably won't know this cause you don't see this blog at all. My mind is hurting typing this post, my heart is killing me. I'm getting so troubled now that I want to just die.

Some times I wish I could just be better at more things. Like people are passionate about music and their parents support them for it. My parents? They just focus on work, study and work. Telling them I want to pursue my passion for electric guitar is like impossble. They'll never agree to it cause they think my grades are sucky and I don't study hard enough. They don't give a damn about my feelings.

I don't know anymore. I should just sleep. Forget about everything and just focus on God and the commitment I made, if I can focus, that is.

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
8:48 PM

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I was away at camp and there was no internet over there. I'm kinda feeling happy now that I get to come back and spend time with my closest friend. It's been a long time since I've talked to you. Missing you alot.

With that, my heart feels heavy. Like something is weighing it down greatly. I mean like, there has got to be something wrong, right? I don't know why I'm like this. Maybe because I'm just so not good enough for this world I just want to fade away. Maybe I want to just spend time with certain people forever and never have to face troubles. I don't know. I want to know. There are just so many things that I want to know.

I feel so shack typing this. It's not physical tiredness. It's more of an emotional tiredness. I'm feeling so depressed and drained and I don't feel like going for my holidays tomorrow. Why can't I have some things my way?? Why can't I have a talent that people can look up to? Why do I always have to be the weird one? I just don't get it. I dont know man...I really am starting to get lost...

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
7:33 PM

Monday, June 7, 2010

It's going to be a brand new day tomorrow. I'll miss you. I know that. I probably won't talk to you much and its always a pain to see you having so much fun with others and I can never have the same fun with you. I wish I could spend more time with you but with the current circumstances, I doubt it'll never happen. I just need some time with you. Laugh with you, play with you. It's never gonna happen because times have changed and it'll never be the same.

I wonder some times what God plans to do in my life. Maybe I'll grow up and I'll need to open up to another person and that person I'll marry. But truth is, I hate opening up to people. There just are so many people that I don't trust with my inner most secrets. I want a good spouse, God. I want one that You think will really benefit me the most.

You know, I think I shouldn't tell you alot of things, because you don't. You always make me say what happen but whenever I ask you the same question, you don't tell me anything. I'm kinda hurt. I cried for 2hours late at night because of it. You always seem to be so unfair to me. Is it because of what my brother did to you that's why you are doing the same thing back to me? I don't know anymore. If I'm really such a burden to you then I don't know what to do. I don't understand why do I always have to give in to you. Why? Tell me, please.

You don't seem to care about me alot. You just treat me as if I'm just another friend to you. It's beginning to eat into me. I'm not okay. Everyday you see me looking fine but I tell you now, I'm not. There are a whole lot of things running through my mind. It's difficult to live with a mind that constantly eats you. Maybe if you ever had a chance at reading this, you'll begin to understand my inmost feelings. Whether or not anything changes is a whole new thing.

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
5:03 PM

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Maybe you haven't noticed but people like you more than me. I'm usually with you and when other people join, I always feel like walking away. You know why? Think about yesterday. Who were you with? I bet you didn't know that she never wanted me to come. I came and was a calefare because she wanted to share her problems with you. I was extra. Didn't you hear her tone and yours? I tested it. You guys just don't like me. I get it. Why not stick to messaging me next time and never hang out with me in person again?

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
8:14 AM

Saturday, June 5, 2010

You know what? I think I've had enough. You think no one understands you. How about me? I'm worse. I can understand you but no one understands me. Why? Because I'm regarded as a gay in class. Because I have a more grown feminine side compared to others. You think it's enjoyable being me? Bloody hell no. If even you can't understand me? Who the hell am I supposed to turn to? I want you to just understand how I feel. It's good enough for me. I don't know what else to do. I can't tell you all these things because it'll be so insensitive. If I can't trust you, who else am I supposed to trust?

I tell you now, you can so easily shun off me complaining I don't have a talent because you have a talent! Unbelievable! If I'm born such a bloody loser than I might as well die. No bloody reason to live. I just want a talent that is beneficial and enjoyable. You have a talent for music. It's so much better than not having a talent. 

I just want to know why doesn't anyone understand me. Why? Why can't you understand me? Is it because I'm too much of an ass to comprehend? I hate it whenever I have to compromise and you don't see the sacrifice I make. It's tough enough to be a guy. Worse still, having a more grown gentle side and I get used. I'm sure you know the pain I go through but do you understand that I'm actually getting hurt by YOU?! I'm tired of people always using me. I'm tired of making compromises but I tend to care for you so much. That's just who I am. Is it really that hard to comprehend? I know I don't open up easily but surely swith whatever I've told you, you understand what I'm going through?

I'm tired of always hiding my emotions but if this is the way I have to live then I'll do it. I'll make my whole damn life bloody miserable. I mean this. Even you will not be able to help me then. It's painful to live a life that I always have to make compromises for you. Because if I don't, I feel bad about leaving you alone. 

I know you'll never read all these posts. It's okay with me. You are never supposed to read them because you never do what you said. You said you tell me everything. Yeah, rightt. You don't tell me alot of things. You can't deny that fact. I know I'm not the best guy in the world but of no one can appreciate me for who I am then I think I'll live a life of solitude. I won't give a shit about sex because it's not the right thing to do. I don't need a spouse to live life. I'll just spend time alone. I'll be ignored by people like how they don't like me now. Why? Cause I'm different from so many guys. Why won't people understand I'm not the same as most guys? Why can't they at least appreciate me?

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
11:53 PM

Friday, June 4, 2010

You know, life was never so simple. I just read your blog and it's quite impossible to let him cry on your shoulder. It'll never come to that because the problem lies within you. There is no peace in your heart nor forgiveness for the pain he caused you. You'll live a moment of an oxymoron if that ever happens.

I feel that I can't be the brother I used to be. I want to be one but I can't. I can no longer keep my emotions in check like I used to. I'm becoming too soft. But I don't want to be a hard-hearted person. I feel so troubled all the time. Sometimes it's God that doesn't answer. Most of the time, it lies within you. Yes you.

There are certain things that you don't understand about me. You don't understand that I'm not the same as you are. I don't have the same morals as you do. I don't have the same problems. I tell you now that i'm actually the type of guy that needs people. I can live in solitary. I've got no qualms with that but when I get out of the solitude, you will never know me like you used to. 

I'm trying to change. That's for certain. I know some things will take forever and I can't go on any further. Even typing this is really, really painful. I just want to know why can't you understand me. Why do I have to make all the compromises? It's horrible you know. I cause myself to suffer so the relationship can go on. I have to do this because I care more about you than I care for myself. If I had to die for you, I'll do it. I'd rather you live and be happy than for me to watch you die. 

It's not easy being a guy. There are many responsibilities I have to take up because you don't see them. You don't see what I've done to make the relationship much more pleasant. It's tough, you understand? I can't go on. My heart is aching. I need a cure. I need hope. I need God back in my life.  

Labels: June 2010

Scribbled
11:40 PM

I wonder how you even found this blog...

GOD Skillet Kutless





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